Economy sized clusterf*ck

I had to go to Costco to get dog food today. I always dread having to go because it's such madness as soon as you pull into the parking lot that you almost don't give a shit about the the Octomom family packs of delicious muffins and the 5 lb bag of gummie bears that you need to replenish every other week. I'd rather not deal, but hey, the dogs gotta eat, too.

I like to consider myself a professional at sussing out what time of day to shop to avoid the onslaught of soccer moms and their enormous gas guzzling Navigators with 11 children in tow. If you need to run errands during the week, It is my recommendation to hit the stores when they either first open or between 1pm (to avoid the lunch crowd) and before 4pm (to avoid the above mentioned after-school Suburbanite catastrophe.) If you have the nerve to enter the world of retail after 4:01pm, God help you. Take a sedative. You'll need it for the commute home.

                   Costco's got everything. Travel agents, optometrists, delicious 

                   pharmaceuticals and a food court. They might as well save people the time and 

                   build a church inside. Photo courtesy of this lady.

If you've never been, Costco is an experience. An event, if you will. Families plan weeks in advance for their trip to this giant superstore to not only to score a year's worth of goods, but to horde a tasty array of food samples given out by Costco's staff. Who knew that you can get full off of tiny, bite sized treats on a stick during an afternoon spent perusing the aisles of Costco? (Well by the number of moochers lined up for free snacks, apparently everybody.) No wonder this place is always busy. If someone's doling out free Bagel Bites, expect a party of the worse kind. And don't be surprised if you're still in the parking lot after a good 30 minutes, blocked by a dozen cars filled with starving people fighting for the same parking spot. You haven't even gotten inside the store yet and you already want to go home.

   

     

There should be a limit to how many offspring are allowed to accompany an adult into 

the warehouse. Look at how many beggars are lining up for those Lil' Smokies. Don't 

people feed their kids? If you can't afford to feed 'em, please stop having them. 

Photo courtesy of here.

Once you're inside you'll know what I mean. The warehouse is filled with pretty much everything a human needs to live in excess and more. And I swear they design Costco like Las Vegas casinos. They want you to stroll around and get sucked in by the bright lights and awesome deals. If you were successfully find your way around, they wouldn't be able to sell half the shit they're trying to schlep to you. The idea is to wander around, angrily maneuvering your way around hungry stray children and lost husbands all while being wowed by the great prices one after another and finding comfort in getting 8 of the same item for 50 cents less than if you were to buy them individually. Is it really worth all that stress? I've been to Costco enough times to have figured out that there is no store merchandise directory available to customers, yet they are all built and designed the same across the country. In case of an emergency, how would a person locate a fire exit amidst the visual noise that is Costco? As many as a thousand people could be inside of Costco during an earthquake and they could all be buried alive under hundreds of pounds of raw hamburger meat and Gloria Vanderbuilt denim within minutes. Somebody call the fire marshal.

Next post: a little reward for all my trouble.